


Everything's Coming Out Niles

by volunteerfd



Category: Frasier (TV)
Genre: Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 18:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10599741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/pseuds/volunteerfd
Summary: AU where it's all the same except Niles is gay, Daphne is a guy named Jack, and it takes place in the present day.  Frasier and Martin react to Niles coming out.





	

**TITLE: NOT STARRING HUGH JACKMAN  
**

(INT. THEATER)

(Frasier and Niles sit in the audience as others take their seats)

Frasier: How does it feel to experience your first theatrical event as an openly gay man?

Niles: Are you referring to the show or to the way you’ve been behaving since I’ve come out?

Frasier: You’re a new man, Niles! You’re experiencing a whole new world of firsts!

Niles: I’m the same person I’ve always been. (laughs) Actually, it’s a little embarrassing how little I’ve changed.

Frasier: Don’t say that. There’s nothing embarrassing about who you are. Some gay men are strong, muscular paragons of virility and manliness. But there’s nothing wrong with being a fop.

Niles: Same to you.

(Frasier flips through the program)

Frasier: Did you know that he’s gay? And him, too. Oh, I heard some things about–well, that’s really none of our business, is it? Oh, him as well!

Niles: Yes, Frasier, we’re at the theatre. They’re all gay.

Frasier: Well, let’s not stereotype. I think these two are dating. Wouldn’t they be a handsome couple!

Niles: You don’t have to do this.  (placatingly) I know you haven’t got a homophobic bone in your body.

Frasier: Thank you, Niles.

(The curtain goes up.)

Niles: Well, maybe one.

**TITLE: IN MEMORY OF RENLY BARATHEON**

(INT. FRASIER’S LIVING ROOM)

Jack: Hello, Dr. Crane. Your father’s out walking Eddie. Oooh, look at you, you’re glowing!

(Niles grins)

Niles: Glowing, huh?

Jack: You look like a new man. How’s it feel?

Niles: It feels good. It feels OK, I guess. (pause) New man, huh?

Jack: Oh yes. Like when my cousin Bobby got baptized. He was a hard-drinking sailor with a terrible gambling addiction. One night he had a few too many, uh, what’s the word for it…

Niles: Shots?

Jack: No, lines. Of coke. Anyway, he got behind the wheel and luckily no one else was on the road at that time, but he drove right into a tree. Barely made it out the driveway, terrible head wound. Says Jesus came to him in that moment and told him to turn his life around. Well, whoever–or whatever–it was, the next day, he got baptized and turned his life around. I mean, he still drinks. And gambles. And he’s got a nasty temper. But he goes to Church every Sunday now. (He frowns, pondering something) Actually, Saturday.

Niles: Well, uh. Hopefully my baptism will be a lot more cleansing. To be honest, there is one little thing that’s bothering me. Frasier’s treating me so differently now. Introducing me as his gay brother. “This is my gay brother, Niles.” “This is Niles. He’s gay.” “I know a real homosexual now, and it’s my very own brother!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m lucky he’s supportive. I just wish he wouldn’t make such a big deal about it.

Jack: You know Dr. Crane. He’s urbane and open-minded and he wants the whole world to know. How’s your dad handling it?

Niles: Well, he’s been laughing about how I fell down throwing a baseball in Little League so…Same as always. Yeah, Dad’s been great, actually. Like I never came out. (pause) Or like I’ve always been.

Jack:  People react differently. It’s human nature. They think you’re one thing for so long and then they find out you’re not. It rattles people.

Niles: How long were you in the closet?

Jack: Me? Oh, never. My brothers called me gay before I even knew what it meant, and then when I found out, I said, “Oh, guess I’m not fooling anyone!” I’ve never been good at keeping secrets, not even my own. One time I wet my pants in first grade and for the whole year I introduced myself as “Hi, I’m Jack, I wet my pants in Mrs. Hoover’s class.”  Even outside of school.

Niles: Your whole life. Wow. I’ve been hiding my whole life. Had girlfriends…got married…

Jack: I can’t imagine doing that. That’s so…

Niles: Cowardly.

Jack: I was going to say brave. Its own type of bravery, at least.

(Niles blushes and looks away)

Niles: You’re right, though. I do feel better now. The names, the judgments, they don’t matter as much anymore, because now I’m honest with myself.

Jack: “Never forget what you are. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.”

Niles: (nods knowingly) Rudyard Kipling.

Jack: (confused) Tyrion Lannister. So what brought you by?

Niles: Uh…I don’t know. Just wanted to say hi, I guess.

(Martin enters)

Martin: Hey, Niles! Hope I’m not interrupting anything! Haha!

Niles: No, actually. I was just leaving.   
  


Martin: See you!

(Niles exits. Martin turns to Jack)  
  


Martin: Look, I know this is awkward but it’s really not the type of thing I can ask Niles about…I’m fine with him being, you know. But I don’t know a lot about it and I tried looking on the Internet and that takes me to places I don’t want to see.

Jack: Ok…

Martin: I just have some questions, you know? I’m an old man and back in my day, it was hard if you were….or if someone thought you were…I just want to know he’s going to be OK.

Jack: He’ll be fine. He’s been fine up until now, hasn’t he?

(Martin gives an ‘eh, so-so’ expression)

Jack: Things are different than when you were growing up. Plus, he’s a grown man in a big city. You’d be surprised how many of us there are if you know where to look.

(He winks at Martin, and Martin looks taken aback)

Martin: Thanks. Um. That makes me feel better.

Jack: You’re a good father.

(Martin starts to leave, but then he turns back)

Martin: Another thing. Does it hurt?

Jack: What?

Martin: When…you know.

Jack: Not if you don’t want it to.

Martin: Why would you want it to?

Jack: Uh…just a bit of humor.

Martin: Oh. Hah!

(Martin, still puzzled, starts to leave again, but turns back one more time)

Martin: One last thing. What is rimming?

(Jack stares at Martin in disbelief, then bursts out laughing in his face)

(INT. STUDIO)

(Frasier begins his show.)

Frasier: I’d like to begin with some personal news. My gay brother, Niles, just came out of the closet. Now, to some, this might be an earth-shattering revelation. It might test their character. But for me, it’s no big deal. He’s still my smart and (laughs) annoying little brother. (mortified) I mean, he’s annoying because younger brothers are annoying. Not because gay people are annoying. Gay people are NOT annoying. I mean, they can be. But not because they’re gay. They’re people. Just like everyone.

(Roz makes neck-slicing gestures with her finger)

Frasier: Anyway! Let’s take some calls. I’m listening.

Guest caller: My entire life, I’ve been living a lie. I thought I could ignore my heart and live practically, and now I have a wife and kids and it doesn’t make things easier. It doesn’t take away my  desires. But I have a family to support. I have decades of this one life and I still yearn for another.

Frasier: If there’s one thing I learned it’s that it’s never too late to be your true self. Going back to an earlier example, my gay brother recently came out and  he’s happier than I’ve ever seen him.

Guest caller: Gay? No! I want to open a candle shop!

Frasier: Well…Same thing. (he ends the call)

Roz: Are you sure Niles is going to be OK with you outing him on public radio?

Frasier: I don’t see why not.

Roz: Because it’s a private, personal thing. He should decide it on his own terms.

Frasier: I’m proud of my brother. I’m just helping him ease into his new identity.

Roz: Is that what this is?

Frasier: What else would it be?

Roz: Think about it. Your entire lives, you’ve been in the same boat. You’re both cultured, well-read men with certain…how can I say this…certain affectations…

Frasier: Go on…

Roz: Up until this point, you’ve both been two straight men getting confused for gay men but now, Niles actually is gay. I don’t know. Maybe you’re trying to distance yourself because if they were right about him, they might think they’re right about you.

Frasier: What a fascinating theory, Roz. Remind me again, who’s the renowned psychologist with the gay brother?

Roz: Oh, I know this! Niles Crane!

**TITLE: THE MISEDUCATION OF MARTIN CRANE**

(INT–FRASIER’S LIVING ROOM)

Martin: Hey, can I ask you something?

Jack: (beleaguered) Sure.

Martin: Neil Patrick Harris. Did you know he was gay? Because I watched that Doogie Howser show all the time and I didn’t suspect a thing. Then one day he’s starring in musicals and hosting the Tonys! What is that?

Jack: Sometimes you just never know.

Martin: What about Tom Cruise? I get vibes from him.

Jack: (retreating to the kitchen) Tom’s never mentioned anything to me.

Martin: (following Jack) Oh, can I ask you something else?

Jack: (exasperate) Of course.

Martin: Do you think any gay man would ever be, you know, interested in me?

Jack: Uh…

Martin: They have such good taste. I’m not interested, obviously, but…do you think they would be?

(Jack stares at Martin in disbelief)

Jack: No, Mr. Crane, I don’t think they would.

(Jack leaves the kitchen and Martin follows)

Martin:  Well, why not?

Jack: Because you’re straight!

Martin: But if I wasn’t?

Jack: I don’t know! What type of man would you look for?

Martin: Gee, I don’t know. I never really thought about it. (almost instantly) Neil Patrick Harris.

Jack: Wh–

Martin: ‘cuz he’s not, like, one of those girly types, but he’s not so manly that I’d be the girl. You know? And he seems fun, but also sweet. Like, the type of guy you could grab a beer with or just have a wholesome afternoon in, watching Grey’s Anatomy. And he’s handsome and takes care of himself but he doesn’t seem like he’d be judgey. Or Hugh Jackman. Oooh, he’s an attractive man. I gotta tell you, if I were twenty years younger…er…Well. Neil Patrick Harris. He’d be my pick.

Jack: Neil Patrick Harris is married.

Martin: What! To who?

Jack: David Burtka. They have children.

Martin: Children!

Jack: Twins. A boy and a girl.

Martin: Did they adopt or did they do the whole test tube thing?

Jack: (strained) Surrogate mother.

Martin: Hey, can I ask you something?

Jack: (finally losing it) WHAT!

Martin: Do you think that’s in the cards for Niles? Marriage and kids?

Jack: (softening) I think Niles will find a wonderful man who will make him very happy. And he would make a terrific father.

Martin: Yeah. He would, wouldn’t he?

Jack: He learned from the best.

Martin: One other thing–what’s the deal with rainbows? And those Modern Family guys. Do you find either of them attractive? ‘Cuz I don’t!

**TITLE:  EVERYTHING’S COMING OUT NILES**

(INT. CAFE NERVOSA)

(Roz and Frasier sit at a table. Niles barges in.)

Niles: “My gay brother?” What were you thinking? How would you like it if I introduced you as “my straight brother, Frasier?”

Roz: It would save people time.

Niles: Roz, can my BALDING brother and I have a moment?

Frasier: Balding?!

Roz: Someone’s getting sassy. (she hisses and makes cat claws)

Niles: Roz!

Roz: I’m leaving, I’m leaving.

(She rolls her eyes, then takes a table out of their eyeshot.)

Niles: I can’t believe we even need to have this discussion. What you did was wrong. It was a selfish, self-interested violation of my privacy.

Frasier: I’m proud of you. You made a tremendously important decision and it deserves to be validated.

Niles: It deserves to be validated? Or you?

Frasier: (carefully) I’d like to think I can do my part, as a straight man, to be supportive of the gay community and, uh, normalize it…to the masses…

Niles: That doesn’t mean you can broadcast my life to all of Seattle!  It doesn’t make you Harvey Milk by proxy! I don’t want my patients knowing about my personal life. It’s unprofessional. I’m still a respected psychiatrist, after all. I don’t want to be Gay Dr. Niles Crane or, better yet, Radio Personality Dr. Frasier Crane’s Gay Brother Niles Crane or oh, Dr. Niles Crane, Resident Poofter!

(A man, VICTOR CAMPBELL, pays for his coffee and turns towards the brothers)

Victor: Excuse me, are you Dr. Niles Crane?

Niles: Yes, and I’m a flaming homosexual too, if you haven’t heard!

Victor: Actually, this is quite fortuitous. I’m Victor Campbell, editor of Metropolitan Psychology. I heard your brother’s show earlier today and I was interested in doing a profile on you as a gay man in the field.

Niles: Metropolitan Psychology?

Victor: We like to probe the inner lives of psychiatrists. The human side. And we’re focusing a bit more on diversity. I can understand if you don’t want to be defined by that characteristic, but–

Niles: I’d love to!

Victor: Excellent! I promise to keep it very tasteful.

Frasier: And I’d love to bolster my brother’s bravery by providing a family perspective on the whole thing. After all, we are all…homo-sapiens.

Victor: With all due respect, a wealthy, straight white male isn’t what we’re looking for at the moment.

Niles: (laughing) Sorry, Frase, you missed the boat during the last couple of centuries.

Frasier: Well, isn’t that its own form of exclusion?

Victor: What do you mean?

Frasier: Interviewing Niles because he’s gay, leaving me out because I’m straight. If it weren’t for my unconditional support, no one would even know he’s gay.

Victor: Wait–you outted your brother on public radio?

Frasier: I wouldn’t call it–

Niles: (smug) Yes, he did, and we have a lot to work through. But since I know his heart was in the right place, I’ll forgive him. Eventually.

Victor: That’s very brave of you. Truly an inspiration.

Frasier: Woah, woah, hold on! Niles is three of the four things you listed! Wealthy white male–now because he’s gay, that suddenly makes him special?

Victor: Well, yes. We’re trying to get voices that have been previously silenced and that includes gay professionals. So unless there’s something you want to tell us…

(Frasier balks. He may or may not be considering…something.)

Frasier: Just that I couldn’t be prouder of my brave, gay little brother.

Niles: And I know that from your careless wreckage, we shall rise again!

Victor: Great meeting you. Here’s my card. Oh, and Dr. Crane…big fan of your show.

(Victor leaves)

Niles: You were considering it, weren’t you. Pretending to be gay.

Frasier: I am appalled you would even think I am capable of entertaining such an egregio–

Niles: So yes.

(Niles leaves, Frasier chasing after him, trying to set the record straight)

END SCENE

(Martin sits in front of a computer with varying expressions of intrigue/disgust/surprise.)


End file.
